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Too Gay To Function

by Too Gay To Function

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1.
Shattered 02:59
I was hanging by thread within thin glass walls You spoke so softly, laughed so loudly, and you didn't let me fall You held my heart like a bird on the mend You kissed my head and I said... You shattered me into shimmering pieces You scattered me through outer space Your fingertips fit in my well-worn places And your face is a maze I am lost in Where did I go right? What did I do to deserve you tonight? I never thought this could be But it's real, and your here, and you're looking at me You held my heart like a bird on the mend You kissed my head and I said... You shattered me into shimmering pieces You scattered me through outer space Your fingertips fit in my well-worn places And your face is a maze I am lost in Oh you shattered me You hold my hand like there's nothing to lose You are what I choose So come swing with me on this rope we are gripping Come sing with me at the top of our lungs Your fingertips--your hair--your lips-- Your everything You are everything to me Oh, come shatter me, please Shatter me into shimmering pieces Scatter me through outer space Your fingertips fit in my well-worn places And your face is a maze I am lost in Come on! Shatter me into glittering diamonds Scatter me in the deep blue see Your fingertips--your hair--your lips-- You shatter me I am shattered
2.
I'm Gay 04:43
Working in a hotel is kind of easy, there's not a lot to say But you walked in, I couldn't help but grin I thought about you all day Oooh I thought: That person is beautiful And I know they know Do you think they think I'm beautiful? Do you think it shows... That I'm gay? I'm really gay And I really really want you to know Cuz every day There's someone new I just hope my light shines through Oooh I like your eyeliner With wings so sharp they could kill a man And I like the way your voice rattles like a shiny tin can But do I seem creepy with the way I smile And hope you notice me? If I had a tattoo, if my hair was blue Would you notice me like I notice you? I'm gay I'm really gay I like girls, boys, non-binary folks, and people like me But no one can tell in this whole hotel What I wish that you could see It's kind of strange though How I idealize certain aesthetics, affects, While at the same time I'm lamenting the fact that I lack those same qualities Cuz I'm gay when I have long hair You're gay no matter what you wear We're all gay cuz we want to be And I need to see that way more clearly You all are beautiful And I hope you know And if you think I'm beautiful Well, there's one thing I'd want you to know... I'm ace [spoken] I'm really ace I'm not interested in, uh, ;) I like girls, boys, non-binary folks, and people like me But I don't know what I want to be with them exactly I'm gay My pronouns are "they" I have a guitar that I sometimes play I don't have a tattoo My hair's not blue But I think my light shines through Oooh
3.
Straight boys They never fail to disappoint me They never fail to disappoint me They never fail to let me down Straight boys Why are you straight? Why are you all straight? Is it just to let me down? I was always looking for a queer Looking for a boy To love me like a boy But every single boy that I ever crushed on Every single boy that I ever wanted to fuck And every single one that I fucked was straight And that's what I hate Every single boy that ever thought that they loved me Every single boy that ever thought that they knew me Every single boy that ever thought that they saw me Well they were looking at something else Straight boys They never fail to disappoint me They never fail to disappoint me They never fail to let me down Straight boys Why are you straight? Why are you all straight? Is it just to let me down? I wanna call them up and ask them if they're still straight I wanna tell them who I am Look at this boy that your boy-heart liked Look at this queer that you kissed Yeah you kissed me in the rain I wanna believe that I could change their mind I wanna believe that I could rock their world I wanna believe that they knew something about me Straight boys They never fail to disappoint me They never fail to disappoint me They never fail to let me down Straight boys The worst thing about them Is they become straight men Straight men They never fail to disappoint me They never fail to disappoint me They never fail to let me down Straight men Why are you men? Why are you all men? Is it just to let me down? Straight boys!
4.
That day when we went swimming in the middle of the river and the water was so cold and the minnows ate my toes and You wouldn't get in all the way, we talked about our lives and being gay (very loudly) and some dude who came to swim there grabbed his stuff and walked away And we were there We should remember we were there Lets all agree to remember every single thing we did while we were there Cuz summer's almost over It's a bummer but y'know we've got a lot of growing up to do this year So let's never forget that we were here That night when we were dancing in your kitchen cooking stir-fry Marina and the Diamonds on the stereo Sending Snapchats to each other like we weren't in the same room And suddenly I realized I would never be alone And we were there We should remember we were there Lets all agree to remember every single thing we did while we were there Cuz summer's almost over It's a bummer but y'know we've got a lot of growing up to do this year So let's never forget that we were here Thank you for getting me outside For feeding me fresh vegetables and walking over when I want to hide Thank you, in fact thank you in advance As this year is just beginning I know there will be so much more to thank you for What's a friend? Someone who'll drive you to the dentist when you're high When you talk about what scares you and you both understand that all these Plans that we make will never matter anyway cuz we are gay And we need each other dearly I'm so glad that I could be a friend to you, and you to I And not just for the rides to the dentist when I'm high And we were there We should remember we were there Lets all agree to remember every single thing we did while we were there Cuz summer's almost over It's a bummer but y'know we've got a lot of growing up to do this year So let's never forget that we were here Cuz summer's almost over It's a bummer but y'know we've got a lot of growing up to do this year So let's never forget that we were here So let's never forget that we were here Oh let's never forget that we were here

about

I don't know how to deal with all my big gay feelings so I wrote some songs on my guitar about them and now you get to hear all about it. Also straight boys.

!!Bonus track included with the EP!! A never-before-heard live recording from way back in 2013 has emerged from the vaults...
...Yep, I covered a Ke$ha song for my formal vocal recital in college. Enjoy!

credits

released February 6, 2018

Songs written and performed by Hamlet Cooper. Recorded in Amherst, MA.

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Too Gay To Function Amherst, Massachusetts

I alternately write songs to put on a mix CD for your crush and rants about how straight boys suck and queer life is weird. I'm currently booking gigs anywhere in or near Boston. I'm also seeking a guitarist or other co-conspirators to write with, plug in some amps and Get Loud. ... more

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